Voices

Ever had voices in your head ... constantly ... going back and forth about what you should do?  That's what has been happening pretty much since the weekend. 

It all started when I decided I need to go buy some new slacks. I had to go up a pant size because I just can't seem to eat better food and the winter pounds really took a toll on my bootie this year.  I have been so uncomfortable in my normal wardrobe and it has reduced  me to constant daily self-loathing.  My nephew once told me I have a ghetto bootie.  I definitely do now. I was looking in the mirror over the weekend and I'm like "how'd that get there"?  Good grief.

On Friday, I pulled out a pair of casual khakis that I bought some time ago and have only worn once or twice. They are super cute and extremely comfortable because I bought them one size up. One of my friends at work actually commented on how nice they looked.  I admitted to her that I had to buy a size up and that I was feeling extra comfortable that day.  She said, "yeah, sometimes you just gotta do that. There's nothing worse than a tight waistline."  Truer words have not been spoken.

When I was trying on blouses, I noticed the arm sleeves are so tight it's just ridiculous.  One voice in my head said, "oh, those Chinese people are really making the arms so much smaller", but then I got to really looking at my arms and they're actually fat. Yikes. When did that happen???

So, the voices in my head (there are two of them) keep having this conversation that goes something like this:

Older, wiser voice: "Susan, you're almost 52 years old. You're never going to be skinny-mini again. Get over yourself. Enjoy your life. Have some chocolate. Life is short. "

Younger, hang-onto-to-my-youth-for-as-long-as-I-can voice: "You're not old. You still need to eat healthy and exercise. Don't give in to the sugar. It's only a temporary satisfaction. You'll regret it. Eat a piece of fruit. Have a glass of water."

Older, maybe-not-so-wise voice: "What difference does it make? You're just getting older and fatter and that's just the way it is. Look at everyone around you. It happens to everyone. Just give in and let it go. Eat dessert first."

As I write this, I have 15 minutes to go before I need to get on the treadmill. I didn't even get on it yesterday. I gave in to the "older" voice.

This is an everyday battle ... hanging on to my health. I haven't give up .... just yet.  But there are days when I want to.  

Not today.


love, susan