Thursday, January 26, 2012

Never Can Say Goodbye

I do a lot of thinking when I'm sitting my at desk working. Lately I've been jotting things down on a little notepad so I can move it from my head to paper, trying to form a little more space for other things.

The other day when a co-worker announced she and her husband will be traveling to China to pick up their new baby in 8 weeks, I told her a brief version of how my sister and I came to be adopted. She asked if I remembered being adopted and since I was only 18 months old, the answer is no. 

However, some years ago when I was working for an attorney who represented the Dept of Health and Social Service with the Dept. of Law, I read a study about the effects of moving children from home to home in their early years. While very small children can't say the words to express what happens to them when they are taken from one situation to another, I don't think anyone could doubt that it effects them.  I am living proof.

I never can say goodbye. Hey, did you just think about Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5 singing that song right now? It has been my theme song my whole life!

I can remember back to about age 5 or 6. My folks would take us over to see my favorite grandma for the weekend. I loved her so much that even now there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. When we visited, there was nothing more important to her than paying attention to my sister and me. She was love with skin. 

On Sunday afternoon, about an hour before I knew we had to pack up the car and head back to Roseburg, I would go missing. I hated saying goodbye and my emotions would just overwhelm me and I was embarrassed to have my family see me crying. I could not turn it off.

I am still that way today, although I am not quite so embarrassed by it. Do I have abandonment issues?  You bet I do. I wish I could keep all the people I love in one place so I never have to say goodbye. But since that's not possible, it's the best I can do to pick up the phone and call or write a letter.   

In closing, I never say goodbye.  See you again soon .....

love, susan

7 comments:

  1. I get you. Moving from base to base until I graduated high school was rough. I hated goodbyes. To this day, JC has to take Erin to the airport when she leaves. I cannot bear it. It's probably why I don't have a best friend or a close friend any more, although I've lived in the same town for over a decide. Have changed addresses only twice though. :) I still drive by our old house once in a moon, just to say hey.

    Just occurred to me. Maybe I hated saying goodbye cause I knew . . . Ooh! Diana Ross, "Some day, we'll be together." We always reconnected with the townies when Daddy was stationed at the same post, but no, I had no way of knowing if I'd ever see my friends again. I always saw my relatives though. It's funny how kids try to adapt.

    Your posts are solid Susan. You're always making me think and remember. I appreciate that.

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    1. Oh dear ... I had a meltdown at the airport Thanksgiving before last saying "so long" to my son and daughter-in-law. A grandmotherly woman came up to me and put her arms around me to console. It was one of those moments of humanity I seek. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one, Limner!

      Received your most timely letter last night and I savored every word of it and really enjoyed the envelope you made. I shall return the favor soon.

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  2. And now the rest of the story... Susan went on to get hitched to a consummate rolling stone..ME. By the time I got out of High School I had gone to one Elementary School {that was the stability time}, two Junior Highs, and three High Schools. Lived in Oregon: {Salem, Keizer, Portland (two places // Two High Schools), Eugene (the last high school), and Hillsboro. Lived in Washington: Kalama, Longview, and now Richland. Between Longview and Richland did 7 years in Yuma Arizona. And my job took me all over the Pacific NW, where I stayed the week in motels or apartments, pull Trailers, and a motorhome, coming home for weekends that were sometimes only 18 hours long total time home, that back on the road. Had one stint of working where I commuted 184 miles round trip every day, 4 out of 5 days a week, staying in a motel on Wednesdays to just rest up a bit. AND I WOULD STILL RATHER TRAVEL THAN EAT..!!! Poor girl, she got caught up with someone who has wanderlust as a middle name.

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    1. Yeah, but it's not like I ever have to say goodbye to you ... thank goodness!

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  3. I just LOVE hello...followed by I have missed you.

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  4. Aw Susan, what a lovely way to feel about your spouse. You two deserve each other.

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