Oh! Happy Day!

This is a writing prompt I received from writer Jacob Norby yesterday morning. I should have known better than to ask him for a prompt. What was I thinking?

 

But here is the thing. Fear has ruled my world since I can remember. I barely remember what I ate yesterday but I recall vividly laying on a cold, hard floor with my favorite silky blanket in kindergarten, trying to take a nap because that's what the teacher said to do. I hated that cold floor and I feared I would freeze to death. How is it that some memories are burned into our brains like that? A mystery to me.

F E A R

What am I afraid of?  It's not what you might think.  I am not afraid of dying. I know this because once I traveled on a plane and, while landing, the wheels would not come down. I had just spent a beautiful weekend with my best friend, eating bologna sandwiches and talking up a blue storm. The short trip from Cordova to Anchorage was a part of Alaska I had never seen before and I was the happiest I had ever been. I felt zero fear and in a matter of minutes came to terms with the fact that I might die that day. I believed it then and I believe it now that dying on a good day would be the best way to go.

No, I'm not afraid to die.

I'm truly afraid that if you know who I really am or what I really think, you won't like me. I have opinions. I have a past that I am not particularly proud of. I've made mistakes. Huge mistakes, most of which I have made amends for. The past no longer haunts me.  I have regrets from my past, things I would do differently if I had it to do all over again. Don't we all?

At the bottom of it, what I'm really afraid of is the remaining character flaws that flare up from time to time. I swear, my defects are protected by a steel trap in my mind so as to never be totally eradicated. The good news is that today I'm aware of them and I watch for red flags indicating they are popping up.

 

Today, it has been thirteen years since I've had a drink. On November 6, 2001, my dad and I were in Tombstone, Arizona celebrating the marriage of my very good friend from Alaska. I had no idea it would be the last time I drank. The night before her wedding, we cracked open the champagne and made a toast. Why I didn't drink more than I did remains a mystery to me today. I only know that my life had gone to hell in a hand basket and I was tired. I have a picture of us on that day and it is classic Susan. I always look good on the outside but I can be dying on the inside and you'll never know it.

 

I'm fine will be my famous last words.

 

I don't talk much about my life before I got sober unless it will serve some purpose to help another. It's a sad story of my own making and I choose carefully who I'll share it with. Afraid?  You bet I am.  I'd rather talk about my life now.

 

Bottom line:  I am less afraid of changing than staying the same. My life has been nothing but better since I put down the drink.  Of course, there is more to it than just that but it was the first step in the right direction. Who knew?

 

So, to my very good friend celebrating her 13th wedding anniversary, I raise my coffee cup to you! It was one of the best days of my life and I've had many best days from that one until now.

 

love, susan

 



Retirement Dreams

I rarely delete photos. This one did not make the cut from my shoot on Saturday with the king and queen of the homecoming dance. The subjects are fuzzy, however, I couldn't bring myself to delete it. Here is why. 

 

Do you see the message here?

 

DREAMS

 

"Look forward to planning your next event."

 

Retirement has recently made an appearance on my radar. It happened while on that trip to Montana with my high school buddy in September. She has no idea what can of worms she opened when she asked me, "Susan, when are you going to retire?" It was an innocent question. Honestly, I've really never given it more than 2 seconds thought because I have not considered myself retirement material. My party line is: I'm a much better person when I'm on a work schedule. Sick, I know.  She reminded me that because I had worked in the state system long enough to vest, that I am eligible for 100% paid medical at age 60.  You say what?

 

I called the peeps in Alaska and heard it from the horse's mouth that, yes, I do indeed qualify to retire. I have a little paperwork to gather up and a few bucks to pay for a break in service but those are minor details.

 

DREAMS?  I cannot think of anything else these days.  In a phone call to my son last weekend I told him I finally have a 5 year plan.  Have you ever had anyone ask you what your five year plan is?  I've always hated that question in an interview.  Geezus, I don't know what I'm doing next month. Five years? I'm not that girl.  My son, on the other hand, says he thinks about retirement all the time.  Good man!

So, I wanna know.  Do you have dreams? Do you have a 5 year plan?  Tell me about it!

love, susan

 

 



Do Something

This week I found myself sharing a bit of my experience with a good friend. When that happens, it starts a snowball effect in my mind and it's hard to shut off ... and when that happens, I write.

 

Our conversation reminded me of the fear I felt when I got close to high school graduation. I'm not sure exactly when it hit me that I would be gathering up my diploma and be cast out into the world of grownups but it was probably a week before I graduated. I have an incredible denial system that is still with me today. I wouldn't call it a character defect as it often saves me from sleepless nights. I'm a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl and I like it that way, thank you very much.

 

Having said that, my parents decided to move from Haines, Alaska to Fairbanks, Alaska immediately after commencement. I had a hot boyfriend and he invited me to move in with him and it sounded like a great idea at the time. It was a crazy, fun-loving summer but then he got into a motorcycle accident which laid him up and it was time for me to go. I ended up in Fairbanks, clueless about what I was going to do with my life. My folks were going to charge me rent so I had to get a job fast. College was on the table and I was registered to go but my grades in high school were so mediocre that I was going to be on probation the first semester. I got a job at JC Penny and blew off college. Regrets?  Yes, I regret not going to college, however, at that time I was not college material. It would have been a waste of good money and time. At that point, I'm pretty sure my parents said do something, Susan.

 

Do something.

 

This is encouraging advice I remember giving to my son a very long time ago when he struggled to figure out what to do next. I believe those two words invite action. Trying to figure out the right move can be paralyzing.  I get it. Just do something and while you are doing that you will be exposed to new people and new ideas. That's my experience. Not everyone knows early on in life what they want to do.  

 

I eventually took a better job at a bank. After banking, I worked in the mental health field for a while and eventually into public service in the legal system. I was never afraid of changing jobs. Really, I was more afraid of standing still.

 

Stuck?

 

Just do something. Say yes. Acknowledge fear. Make some plans. Be willing to change those plans. Be open to change. Don't get hung up on results. Ask questions. Talk to people. Write about it. Do anything. Let go of old ideas. Ask others what they did.  Start today.

 

I'm closer to the end of my working life than I've ever been. I have enjoyed a couple of different career choices and have definitely been able to continue flying by the seat of my pants. If I had it to do over again ... well, I can't do it over again. This is the path I chose. I am making the best of it.

 

Do I still struggle with figuring out what I want to do with my life?  You bet I do. It dawned on me after the conversation with my friend that I still get to live by my own words.  Today I'm going to do something and see what happens.

 

How about you? Are you doing something, or are you stuck?

 

love, susan

Happy Bosses Day!

Happy day to all the bosses in the world!. This is your day. I've got meatballs swimming in bbq sauce and grape jelly sitting on the counter, heating up for a fantastic day at work. The girls  in my office are putting together a fabulous feast for all the bossy-types we work with. And it's going to be big fun!

 

I challenged a friend to sit for 30 minutes this morning and write about her favorite bosses. It got me to thinking about all the great bosses and mentors I've had in my 30+ years of working. Today I'll leave you with the highlights from the best of the best:

 

Archie was my first boss when I was in high school. He ran the local theater in my small hometown of Haines, Alaska. I learned how to do every job except running the films. Back then, the movies came in on big, heavy tape reels and he mostly left that job to the guys. Archie was a great first boss. He never once yelled at me or made me feel stupid. 

 

Jean was my boss at JC Penny ... my first real job after high school. I only worked there a year but she taught me the value of putting the customer first. She was kind of a staunch woman who didn't smile a lot but she was all about business and I admired her. Sure wish I would have gone back and thanked her for the great start in my working life. Funny how I can forget a lot of things but still remember her name. Huh. That's interesting to me.

 

Tom Hishimoto (haha, made that last name up as I cannot remember his last name, he was Japanese) was a boss  I worked for in the early part of my banking career. He ALWAYS had a smile on his face and he taught me the only word I know in Japanese.  Hai = yes. Yes, we always care about the customer. Yes, we answer the phone by the 2nd ring. Yes, you can do it, Susan! He loved everyone and I learned a lot about customer service from him. Just a good guy.

Ginny is right up there as one of my favorite bosses of all time. She taught me and many others on our team the true meaning of teamwork. She had a magic way about her that brought people together to use their hidden talents and she really helped me shine. Working with her was truly the highlight of my working experience and I will be forever grateful for her example of a great team leader. She also became one of my most treasured friends. Love that!

Jane taught me to think past the limitations in my mind. She once made me put together a desk and hook up a computer. I thought that was man's work and she set me straight about that. Kinda funny how those small experiences can translate into life changing moments. She is still my friend and I got to visit with her about 3 years ago when she moved to the Pacific NW. Love you, Jane!

Mike was an attorney at a local law firm. He was still old school then and everything he wrote was done by dictation. I had forgotten how much I love transcribing until I went to work for him. He was the most prepared attorney I've ever worked for and he always did his work well in advance of when it needed to be done. None of this wait til the last minute, let's everybody get an ulcer kind of work. He was a meticulous writer and I learned a lot about cutting out the fluff in my writing by his example.

Margaret is my current boss. She has been in her job, well, let's just say a very long time. She is perhaps the easiest going person I've ever worked for and it takes a lot to get her feathers ruffled. I'm not sure I've ever seen her get mad. She is older than me and I like that she leads by example. She has never once said no when I asked for time off, which make her hunky dory, in my book!

I've been one lucky girl in my working career. There has been rarely an occasion when I didn't like my boss. Over the years, I've learned that every supervisor has a different style.  I have learned from every person in my working path and have tried to find something positive even in situations that have not always been ideal.

Do you have memories of great bosses?  I hope you'll think about it and leave a message or better yet, thank your wonderful boss today!

love, susan 

Happy National Coffee Day

Coffee does make the world better, wouldn't you agree?

 ******************

I've been on a writing hiatus. Some days I feel like I'm never going to come back. Not sure why it happens but I've learned that this will pass.  So glad there is a "national" day today so that at least I could have one fleeting thought that might lead to another. I need prompts sometimes.  So, I decided to go into my blog and search the word coffee.  91 blog posts came up!  It is, after all, probably the single most important food stuff I care about in this life, second only to sugar.

I started this blog 4 years ago on September 4, 2010 with a post about the dumbest thing ever.  Banana cream pie. It was a start.  Don't judge. Pie goes with coffee.  See the connection there?

When I first started writing, I did some research on blogging and one of the tips I found was that a person should find their niche.  I'm a bit of rebel and can't quite seem to find a niche.  Maybe that's my niche.  Right? After all this time, I still don't have a real niche but I have found writing to be so therapeutic, right up there with my daily coffee.

So here are a couple of my favorite blog posts from the 91 posts that mention coffee over the last 4 years.  I'm glad I wrote them and I'm really glad I can go back and read them from time to time.

Some of my posts are even useful, like this one on road traveling.  Coffee is an essential part of the road.  And, this one on a lot to do about nothing.  Here is my post from a fabulous motorcycle trip to Mt. Rainier.  Don't miss this post on two words.  And, if you clicked this far, please don't leave without reading this post on my favorite coffee spot in Eagle River, Alaska.

I tip my cup of joe to all of you blog readers out and want to say thank you for hanging in here with me.  Love ya!   susan

What if?

Last week I took a road trip to Montana with my high school friend. Our focus was to visit another friend from the class of '77, a mini reunion if you will. It turned out to be so much more than that, for me. An experience and life lesson I shall not soon forget.

 

Anyone who cares much about me knows that I keep a pretty heavy summer calendar and this trip was put on the calendar sometime last winter or spring. I don't recall. I just know that being a former future tripper, I didn't think much about it until about two weeks ago. That's when my wheels (so to speak) started spinning. When that happens, I get less sleep.

 

I've not done long distance driving without my husband. He's the man with wanderlust who kissed me and infected me with the desire to see new places quite a few years ago. We have traveled by truck across the country and back, including Alaska and Canada. He is the one who taught me how to read a map. He is the one who has changed flat tires and told me to turn the radio up when there is a noise in the motor for no apparent reason. He is the one who said, "Susan, never go home the way you came". He is the one who has taught me to put my hand out to people, look them in the eye and have a conversation.

 

Traveling without him, if the truth be known, scares the shit out of me. I hadn't really given it much thought until a few days before my friend and I were to roll down the road. The what if's kept creeping in and I struggled to ward them off.  What if's can paralyze a person into a life coma. I've seen it happen. I don't want to be that girl. Truth:  I've been that girl. Too afraid of everything ....

 

So, I ran the car through the carwash right before I swooped up my friend from the airport and we rolled down the road Thursday afternoon with a clean windshield, sour gummy worms and 12 years of life to catch up on. I kept my smart phone charged and ready and only used it to get us to the hotel in Spokane. The next day, we followed written instructions for the long road leading to our friends' place in Big Sky country. We both felt so proud that we made it there on the first try. I worried about getting out of there and trying to follow the instructions backwards but worry is such a waste of time.  We decided to take a different, much less traveled highway home for a more scenic route. I worried what if I get a flat tire or hit a deer. No cell service for most of the trip. I survived by mentally picking the what if up and placing it on a mental shelf. It worked.

 

It was a beautiful trip with many treasured memories.

 

What if I let worry rule my world?  I'm not going to think about that another moment. I'm out of here!

Do you get the what if's?

love, susan

 

 

 

 

Ride Your Skill

Yesterday was the worst day of motorcycling riding I've experienced in 8+ years of riding. I'm grateful that it came now and not in my early days.  Over the years, I have picked up many tips from fellow seasoned bikers which have not been wasted on me.

"RIDE YOUR SKILL"

 

Tim H., road captain for a day, said that to me one time when we were out riding in a group of 17 bikes. It was my first big group ride and he knew I was scared to death.  Being scared has never stopped me from going but it does cut down on the level of fun. I'm glad I was riding that day to hear him say that to me. I think about it every single ride.

 

"LEAVE LOTS OF ROOM"

 

My hubby says this to me on a regular, annoying basis. On the ride home, I got to see first hand how following too close can result in a bad outcome. There was a 50 car pileup on both sides of I-82 due to a sudden microburst of wind that made visibility go instantly to zero. We were fortunate to have not been involved in it. There were no fatalities but I'm quite certain we would have died if we had been involved. I use this advice in all my affairs.

 

"WHEN IN DOUBT, DON'T"

 

This is my phrase and I live by it daily. When we got home, we discussed how we would have handled the situation if we had come upon that dust storm.  We would have pulled over to wait it out, especially on a motorcycle and double especially on the highway. I never ride when I'm tired, hungry or have too much on my mind.  I just don't.

 

"LEAN INTO THE WIND"

 

Once again, a tip my hubby gave me. I've never had to use it until yesterday. Between the wind and the rain, it was a miserable ride but it was do-able. If it had gotten only slightly worse, I would have insisted on pulling over but slowing down and leaning into the wind made it possible for us to get home.

 

"CARRY A SWEATSHIRT"

 

I usually have an extra sweatshirt on my bike for elevation climbs. Not yesterday. Bad move. Luckily, he had a headband in his bag I put around my neck to keep the cold air from going down my jacket.  It's a good idea to carry an extra sweater or shirt anywhere I go.

 

"GRIT YOUR TEETH"

 

Sometimes you're going to find yourself in situations you'd rather not be in. Grit your teeth. I'm a believer in life experiences! I used to live in a place where the temperatures got down to 50 below zero on a regular basis. It's what I'm made of.

 

Okay.  What three word pieces of advice have gotten you through situations?  Tell me, please!

 

love, susan





Pattern Interruption

The season is changing and so am I.  I woke up this morning with the idea of pattern interrupt on my mind.  It's a term I heard used last spring in a writing class I participated in and it has been stuck in my brain ever since.

 

What is it?

 

Simply put, a pattern interrupt is changing the flow, like when a tree falls into a river.  Water is forced to flow another direction. 

 

Think about it.

 

Could your life use a little pattern interruption?

 

Today I think I'll put my earrings on first and see what matches. Maybe I'll have breakfast for lunch, take a different route to work, call instead of text.

 

What kinds of things do you do to change it up?  Tell me!

 

love, susan



Hating on Sundays

I got to spend some time with Lily and
her people on Saturday. Big fun!

A couple of weekends ago I was having a nice conversation with my son via phone. Since their visit here in July we made a commitment to talk more often. I'm not sure if it was my hysterical crying in a phone call shortly after they left that did it but those conversations have been priceless. If you are reading this, my son and precious daughter-in-law, I love you and the sound of your voices.

 

One of the things we last talked about was hating Sundays. When he said he kinda hates Sundays I knew exactly what he meant. That apple don't fall far from the tree. I don't exactly hate Sundays but the anxiety of only having one day left of what I consider a two-day holiday can be overwhelming.  

 

What to do with my time?  When my son was about eight years old, he would wake up on Sunday mornings and complain that it was almost time to go back to school. I always laughed but I sure understood what he meant. So I started telling him that he could not complain about Mondays until 8:00pm on Sunday night. I was hoping to divert his attention and get him to enjoy the day without the anxiety of spending it well.

 

I had to laugh when he brought it up on the phone.  I wake up and think about how I am going to spend my last few hours of freedom. I want to spend them well, like the last few dollars in a bank account. Should I do laundry or can I put it off until the last minute? Road trip or lawn care? Grocery shopping or watch a movie?  It's about the choices. There are just so many choices. I'm hoping that our recent conversation helped in some way.

 

As I sit here thinking about this last weekend, I once again was able to stuff a lot of fun into it. And truth be told, I did wake up hating Sunday. I got over it pretty quickly but the feeling is always the same. OMG, I only have 15 hours of free time left!

 

How about you, do you feel like that on your days off?

 

love, susan

Manner of Death

It has been a hard week. I'm still wrapping my mind around the death of Robin Williams and trying to figure out why such news devastates me.

 

Maybe it's because I get it. 

 

I get what it feels like to see the world in shades of gray.

 

There have been times in my past when it was hard to get out of bed and function, put on clean clothes, brush my teeth and function at a minimum in my own life, much less a work life, family life, social life.  Honestly, I don't really ever talk about it much.  That's part of the illness. It has a life of its own and it likes living in the darkness. It feeds on it.  I've been there. I'll feel better tomorrow. That's the lie depression tells its sufferer.

 

When I heard the news, I felt a deep sadness for someone I didn't even know. One more victim of a deadly, silent illness that is so misunderstood by those who have never suffered from it. The stigma and shame. The silence of it is deadly.

 

See, the thing is, if Robin Williams had died from complications of Parkinson's disease or a swift heart attack, we'd be sad but it would be acceptable.  There has been much debate about the "selfishness" of suicide.  I refuse to get into that debate.  Suicide is just another symptom of depression.  A final symptom.

It's important for me and you to know the signs of depression; the red flags. My hubby has learned my red flags and I'm grateful for that. He knows the right things to say so that I become aware that I am sinking. Because you can't really see depression like you see a broken arm. It is insidious. By the time you are sitting in a dark room for 20 hours as it was reported that Robin Williams was doing, that becomes the new norm. Non-sufferers often times don't fully understand that it is a deep hole one has fallen into and cannot crawl out of without help.

All week I've been thinking about the things over the years

that have kept me away from the edge of that abyss.

Sunshine.  It's like a big battery charger in the sky for me. It's the number one cure for me.
Medication. At times, I have to take it. I hate taking it but when the depression gets bad enough, I'm on the phone with my doctor.
Light box.   A must have for those of us who have seasonal affective disorder.
Writing.  An amazing outlet for me.
Photography.  It's all about light. I'm all about light.
Eating well.  Fresh food, please.
Friends.  Spending time with my peeps.
Walking.  Exercise and fresh air do me wonders.

In closing, I've been wondering all week what goes on the death certificate of one who dies from suicide.  Hanged himself with a belt?  I worked at hospice once for about 18 months. I noted on a majority of death certificates "cause of death" was from urinary tract infections; surprisingly not the major medical issue that put them into hospice care. So, I wish the news would report that Robin Williams died from depression.  I can't bear the thought of what was reported in the news. It was only the manner of death.  He died from an illness many people suffer and I'm one of those people.

The truth is, we're all going to die. What I've learned this week is keep paying attention to the warning signs of depression and not let it take a silent seat in my house. Don't think that it can't happen to you. It happened to a funny, talented, intelligent and loved man who the world adored. Imagine that.

love, susan



Writing About Writing

Thank you to my online friend, Sora over at Shine Connection, for inviting me to write about writing and share it with her in a sort of blog "tag, you're it" kind of thing.  I love a deadline and a good challenge!

 

Why do I write what I write:  Well, I just can't help it.  I have to write. My head will explode if I don't. Actually, it's more like my heart will explode more than anything.  I often get all filled up with emotions, usually sappy/happy ones, and writing helps me sort that out. Every day is full of experiences. Weird confession:  I feel like that little boy in the Sixth Sense who said "I see dead people".  While I don't see dead people, I am witness to things that often other people seem to miss and I just gotta write about it, ya know? Do you remember the moment in that movie where Bruce Willis realizes he's dead too? Well, it's kind of like that when I connect with people through my writing. When someone leaves a comment on my blog post, it makes me feel like they maybe saw the same thing I did. I can gage when I have written something in my most genuine voice ... it will always garner comments. If you are not past my weird confession, I'm sorry for that visual.

What are you currently working on?   Next question please.   No, seriously I started writing a memoir that got painful so I have it on the shelf for the time being. Or maybe I got busy.  Or dis-interested. Or (fill in the blank). I just re-signed with a great group of writers over at Unboot Camp with Jacob Norby, which will start in September. Truly, I'm hoping to get back to work on that memoir. It does have a happy ending!  Also, I love blogging. 
  

How does your work differ from others in the same genre? I don't even know how to answer this question. May I phone a friend, use a life-line, or ask the audience please?

Describe your writing process.  My writing is often inspired by the photographs I shoot.  My first other love is photography. I started this blog almost 3 years ago because I was shooting a lot of photos and really wanted a space where I could explain the images. I take photos almost every day and from those I will often find something to write about. I have developed a habit of writing morning pages (journaling). However, I am much more faithful to writing daily in the fall/winter than I am during summertime. I'll grab a cup of coffee, shut my office door and write a couple of pages ... a mind "dump" so to speak. From there, an idea may "bubble up" and I'll write a blog post. When I'm traveling, I try to keep notes but honestly I have to admit that my ideas are fleeting and if I don't write about them immediately, the ideas are gone. It feels like a mental illness some days. Can anyone relate to that?

Okay, your turn.  If you're a writer and feel inclined, write a post with the above topics and send it to me!  I'd love to hear from you!

love, susan