The "It"

The weather is finally warming up a titch. The numbers this week are 63, 64, 59, 56, and 54. Now, if the sun will just come up a little sooner, this princess will be happy.

 

I'm not going to follow my usual Monday life-list list format this week. Besides, it's not Monday any longer. I've been in a funk and it came to a head yesterday. I'm on the other side of it I think but now it's time to get real.

 

It's no secret to anyone in my inner circle that I fall prey to depression (seasonal affective disorder) in the winter. I have had it all my life and it is a familiar place for me. Mostly I am able to control it with a light box and Vitamin D. Some years I take a low dose of anti-depressant when it gets out of hand. This winter I stopped taking medication but can't remember exactly when. The cure is sometimes worse than the disease and that's what has happened with medication. The side effects are shitty. Mostly, I am unable to concentrate on anything ... feeling like a total zombie.

 

So, I've done fine until this last week. I've not been sleeping well and my brain will not turn off. Yesterday I woke up with a familiar impending doom feeling. I got dressed and headed to work but couldn't quite shake it. On the verge of tears every moment. I took my lunch and headed to the river to get some blue sky in my life and maybe have a good cry. My friend, T, who lives near the river, happened to see my not-so-conspicuous car and pulled into the parking lot to say hello right before I launched into a full out meltdown. Ha. She had no idea. I'm good at sucking it up. And, I did. And, it passed.

 

This morning, I don't have that feeling any longer. That standing-on-the-edge-of-the-abyss feeling. If you've never felt it, I am so happy for you. If you have, you know what I'm talking about. It's not a suicidal feeling. What I've discovered is that it is a change of season feeling.

 

My life is a series of seasons and the hubs and I are getting ready to go into a new season. A weather season and a life season. Change is coming and it causes me to think too much. Most of the time I'm not even aware that I'm thinking too much until it causes me a total mind and body breakdown. Thankfully, today I am able to talk about it and work through it. I'll be okay. I am okay.

 

The new job is a roller coaster ride for me. Some days I feel really good about it and confident. Other days, my confidence is shaky and I wonder what I was thinking by stepping out of my comfort zone. In the end, it's all good. I didn't get to be almost 59 by always taking the back seat in life. I'm a risk taker. I'd rather risk failure than to be paralyzed by fear and live my life going down the same road. Been there, done that, not going back.

 

What comes to mind this morning as I write is an experience I had when I first met my hubby. We were new in our relationship, mind you. I had taken a job at a title company and was 3 days into the job and knew immediately it was a bad fit for me. He said, why don't you quit? Because I'm not a quitter, I said. He said, is it going to get any better? No, I said, it is what it is. He suggested I run it through the serenity prayer, which has become a filter I use often.

 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And, the wisdom to know the difference.

 

I do like my new job and I daily get attaboys from my mentor. This means a lot to me and I am ever so grateful to work with such devoted public servants. It is my life's purpose for now. Every day gets a little better.

 

More will be revealed.

 

love, susan