Yesterday I had Christmas lunch with several, long-time friends from my fellowship. There were lots of faces I knew and some I didn't. As often happens, a guy I've never met before sat down next to me at our table. Hubby was to my left. It wasn't a few minutes into our first conversation that guy I've never met before put his hand on my shoulder during conversation. It happened no less than 5 times while sitting next to him. Super nice guy. Don't get me wrong. But obviously a super nice guy with zero boundaries. When we got in the car to go home, hubby says 'I don't think that guy knew we're together'. I assured my husband I don't know how he could not know because I did everything in my power to flash my wedding ring, I lovingly placed my hand on my own man's shoulder several times, and we even talked and joked about our anniversary coming up. There is no way that guy didn't know we are together.
Was that sexual harassment? I don't think so. But, I was thinking about it this morning and what disturbs me most is my inaction yesterday. The first time he put his hand on my shoulder I immediately thought 'gosh, this guy is a little presumptuous'. When it happened 4 more times, my thought was 'this guy is a creeper'. I had a super hard time focusing on the many great conversations around me because I didn't know what he was going to do next.
But you know what?
I never said a word to him.
I never asked him to stop.
I felt frozen.
This is really bothering me this morning.
I grew up in a time when girls were taught:
- Be polite.
- Speak when you are spoken to.
- Don't be rude.
- Don't hurt people's feelings.
Here's what I think today. I don't need to be rude to this fellow if I see him again. I need to educate him. Here's how the conversation might go: "Look dude, I don't know you and you don't know me. You have now come into my personal space and touched me without my permission. I am uncomfortable even having this conversation. Please stop."
Where I think sexual harassment starts is when I have that conversation and he continues. Or, I have that conversation and he gets butt hurt and makes me pay with the silent treatment. Or, I have that conversation and he makes my life miserable by gossiping or bad mouthing me.
Why do I care? Because what if he just doesn't get it? What if I'm being overly sensitive? What if I'm wrong?
When people talk about the rash of disclosures going on right now over sexual harassment, I think this scenario is how it starts. What kind of example am I being for my granddaughter or my young friends?
What are your thoughts on this matter? How would you have handled it? I really want to hear from you.
love, susan
We've been taught not to speak up in these situations. Abusers take advantage of our silence, but they also punish us by saying "you just misinterpreted that, I didn't mean it that way" when we do speak up. We can't win, no matter what approach we take.
ReplyDeleteRight!
DeleteOh, I probably would have given him 'the look' and then said something if it continued, 'Do you MIND???'. Never in all my work years was I ever sexually harassed. My reputation for being a bitch must have really been widely known.
ReplyDeleteA friend at work says I need work on my RBF (resting bitch face) but that's not my nature. Thanks so much for dropping in. I continue to enjoy your blog posts, especially your photos!
DeleteI don't think I would have said anything either. But, I don't think his putting his hand on my shoulder would have bothered me. I grew up with a "touchy-feely" society and I am just not bothered. I guess if it bothered you then that would be considered sexual harassment. But only if you told him to stop and he didn't!
ReplyDeleteExactly. I didn't tell him to stop. I need help with that part.
DeleteLook up the definition of "harass." Look up the definition of "sexual." Combine the two.
ReplyDeleteHow does the combination make you feel about that situation? You don't have to speak it out loud. Just think about how it made you feel then.
Be well.
I did. Thank you so much. I know you hear me.
DeleteEven if his intent was purely "brotherly," I would have simply said "That makes me uncomfortable" and picked up the conversation where it left off. No need to apologize - no "I'm sorry, but that makes me ..." Just "That makes me uncomfortable." If he interrupted the conversation to say "I only meant ..." I'd say, "No discussion necessary, just don't do it again."
ReplyDelete