♥️Resist was my watch word for 2018. It served me well for the most part. It has been a different year. I started seriously thinking about taking my retirement from the State of Alaska last year. I have the paperwork in hand and getting ready to send it in soon for a retirement date of early June. I'm not sure I'm ready for full retirement but I know, for certain, I am ready to work a lot less. I am tired. I recently listened to a podcast of some young people who took a sabbatical which included going off social media and truly not working for a year. I have taken a summer off but never an entire year. I know I have enough to stay busy but, honestly, that isn't what nags me. I've always been a wage earner from about age 14. I was raised to pay my own way, and I thank my parents for that. It isn't that we don't have enough to live on that keeps me up at night, it is that deeply ingrained training that I am wage earner. It's a hard concept to overcome. If I'm not earning a wage, what is my worth? And, at age 60, will I ever be employable again if I decide I hate not working? If you are not in my age bracket, you will be some day. These are things you'll have to think about. So, for the remaining 10 days of this year, I shall try to resist future tripping. ♥️I have resisted drama. The specifics I'll leave to my personal journal but let me say here that it is a growth thing for me to put my virtual hand up and say, not my circus. This does not come easy to me and it has left me feeling a bit cold-hearted at times. I walk a fine line between being a very good listener, an emotional sponge, and someone who just has to walk away sometimes for my own mental health. If you are reading this and I have walked away from you, please know it was more about me than you. My dance card is full. ♥️I have resisted my ego. I was promoted early in 2018 to a job that I was less happy doing. I got honest and asked to go back to the job I had loved for many years. It was a good move for me (thank god for Unions!), a good move for my office. ♥️I have resisted being a volcano. I have personal struggles that I wake up with every day. Some days are easier than others to maintain an even keel. Thankfully, I have closed mouth friends who allow me to vomit when I need to, which likely has saved my life from blowing up. Everyone should have friends like mine. They are pure gold. ♥️What I have not resisted well is sugar. I went off the tracks back in July on a vacation trip and I have struggled since then. I have gained back 15 lbs. of the 35 I lost and I am so uncomfortable in my skin right now.
EMBRACE
My 2019 watch word came to me a couple of weeks ago while I was putting my pajamas on at about 5:30pm, right after I arrived home from work but before I cooked dinner. I couldn't wait to scarf whatever it was I cooked and trudge up the stairs to my pillow. I've been in this pattern every winter for the last 10 years. In the past, I have beat myself up endlessly for just wanting to pull the cover over my head and say wake me when it's spring. It occurred to me that I really should stop beating myself up for a disorder I have very little control over, and ♥️embrace♥️ it. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a fact of life for me. Bears don't beat themselves up for being bears and doing what bears do in the winter ... hibernate. Why should I? The moment I had this thought, I felt free.
I am also going to ♥️embrace♥️ insomnia, black coffee, my hubby, gray skies, slowing down, feeling like a ship with a loose sail, and the fact that two of my three dogs are in the end stage of their lives. I am going to try to embrace feeling uncomfortable for awhile and really listen to others' struggles and solutions for that. I am going to embrace what was, what is, and what will might be. I'll try to be graceful and thoughtful in my words and actions.
How about you? Did you have a watch word for 2018? Will you have one for 2019? Tell me about it!
♥️love, susan
I'm posting this from my cellphone, which is annoying to do. So, keeping it simple.
I recently visited with a friend who happens to have one of those fancy-schmansy espresso machines. She uses a bean that is indescribably great. When she put a can of this stuff in front of me with a spoon, I asked her how she got it to fluff up so much. No, no, Susan ... I just took the lid off the can. She told me where she bought it and I made a special trip to stock up on this yumminess. (Note: I am still trying to get off the dairy products and have been less than successful. Maybe this product will be my answer.)
Cold Weather. Getting out in the cold this weekend kicked my tail. I had 3 photo shoots for family photos. It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed it very much but man, oh man, I got chilled to the bone and couldn't get warm. I wore my silky long johns yesterday. My Alaska friends will laugh at me because it is 32 degree here. Bartering. The first family I did photos for on Saturday asked me how much I charge for coming out in the cold. I usually just tell people that if they insist, I love coffee. But this guy comes from a long line of fishermen, so I told him I would love a piece of fish. He brought me a frozen salmon filet and a big, steaming hot latte. OMG .. loved that. We are having the fish for dinner tonight. My friend T says she loves bartering. I didn't know people still used that term and it really got me to thinking about it. I'd like to see bartering make a comeback! Photo Bartering. I will take photos for anyone who asks. Many of the folks who have given me the title of family photographer are young people who struggle to make ends meet. I always tell them to pay it forward. I hope they do. Do you ever barter with friends? love, susan
Drum roll please. Dude, we stayed under $100 for the month of November's dining out budget. Stick with me while I tell you how I spent it. Just Joel's: We stopped for breakfast on a Sunday morning because I have been dying to eat at this new local establishment my friend raves about. Breakfast out is my favorite meal. The hubs and I split a veggie omelette and skipped coffee since it was later in the morning. With a tip, it was $15.45. Bangkok Thai: I snagged a buffet lunch there twice this month. It is my weakness. Total $27.46. Yummie Pho: Lunch for one with a tip: $11.76. The price of pho has gone up. Note to self ... this is not a good deal for soup. Greek Island: Met a former work friend for lunch. $12.32 Bacon & Eggs: On a Sunday drive to Walla Walla, we split an omelette and had 2 coffees at this great local spot on main street. $17.61. DINING OUT TIP: If you are like me and love the experience of eating out but you hate busting your budget, try splitting a meal with your loved one. Another item that will kill your budget is drinks. Who couldn't use more ice water in their diet? 
Days flying by. I have been doing a lot of different things in my morning routine. Mostly listening to podcasts and journaling. I haven't given serious thought to blogging for weeks. I remember when I first started this blog, my mind went crazy with ideas for blog posts. I want to get back to that place. Part of it I think, as I sit here writing, is that I simply need to write for myself, no matter how scattered it may sound. I added a photo of my home office desk here. How messy my desk is usually is an indicator of what's happening in my mind. It's kind of a mess right now. It has been for a while. My mind and the desk. 
